you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
