Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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