Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
