my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
