i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
