I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
