You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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