ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
