I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
