He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
