I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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