and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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