I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
