Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Your cock deserves a montage
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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