I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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