dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
honey bunches of taint.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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