I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
