My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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