i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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