i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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