she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
