all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
