We're facebook friends in real life
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize