I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
