You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
