You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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