Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
