Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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