Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
