eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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