mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What happened to fro yo and sex?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
