there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
