i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
