Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
