Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Even my vagina gasped.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
