There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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