i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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