I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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