Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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