his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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