Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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