WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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