I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
