i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
