Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize