I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
