when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
pray to the hookup gods
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
