Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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