I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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