yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
