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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction

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• (769): View more from Mississippi

  My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth

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• (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car

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• (206): View more from Washington

  before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch

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• (909): View more from California

  Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"

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• (613): View more from Ontario

  Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there

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• (952): View more from Minnesota

  I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated

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• (518): View more from New York

  You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"

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• (586): View more from Michigan

  Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.

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• (480): View more from Arizona

  Can I get my morals surgically removed?

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