You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
