If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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