Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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