How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
one two three fourrrrnication!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
