I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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