I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
